Post by billybogsnorkeller on Dec 10, 2004 16:43:21 GMT 1
How Victoria Sugden Learned to Walk.
By Lorraine Clarkson. a.k.a. GEB
Note: this was written at a time when Christopher Smith had been replaced as Robert Sugden by Karl Davies and it seemed that Victoria Sugden was never going to be allowed to grow up prompting such statements as: "Victoria Sugden will be carried to the pub on her 18th birthday at this rate!”<br>
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The hay in the fields was neatly stacked into golden rolls; the crops were finally harvested and bursting with fresh country goodness and, for the first time in many years, Emmerdale Farm was a pleasant place to be.
Jack Sugden stood on the doorstep over-looking his land, smiling triumphantly at the farm’s success. He watched the wild flowers bob up and down merrily in the warm September breeze which carried with it the fresh, uplifting scent of newly cut grass. In the top fields, several hundred balls of cotton wool sheep skipped happily about beneath the shining sun. In the lower fields roamed a few slow, laid back cows chomping easily on the fresh green grass. It was very much a scene from the pages of a timeless storybook.
His fairy-tale peace was disturbed when the shriek of a little girl echoed through the air. Jack’s very own princess Victoria was carried through the house in muddy boots and dirty sweater in the arms of her big brother. Andy Sugden looked tired after years of carrying the seven year old child around in his arms, but it seemed that the strawberry blonde child had not yet learned to walk so for that he was left little choice but to carry her everywhere she went. Diane Blackstock said her lack of walking ability and her limited conversational vocabulary stemmed from the fact she was blonde. Patting her own blonde barnet, Diane knew from her own experiences what it was like to grow up as a (wannabe) blonde and urged the boys to be patient with their sister.
“Daddy, Daddy,” Victoria called in her surprisingly strong Leeds accent despite supposedly spending her entire life on Emmerdale Farm, “Robert and Andy are going to take me to the park in the village”.
“Are they Victoria?” Jack’s voice sounded too surprised and enthusiastic to be true but Victoria had not yet learned to defined the difference between baby talk and adult conversation, “That’s nice of them isn’t it?”<br>
“And we’re going to have a lovely time aren’t we?” Robert asked, running his hand over the red locks that replaced his blonde hair and the itching face that had altered somewhat into the profile of a totally different person, seemingly overnight. He put his new nose, mouth and Southern accent down to something in the Spanish water and was pleased that neither Jack or Andy noticed that his features had changed in every possible way.
“Well goodbye then.” Jack said as they made their way out of the door onto the forecourt . “be back in time for tea. Be good Victoria.”<br>
“ I will.” Droned Victoria, waving to her father as Andy piggy-backed her like a baby, into the lane.
“And watch out for the Beast of Beckindale!” Jack called. He watched proudly as he watched the silhouettes of his children disappear into the orange sunset. How rewarding it was to be a father…<br>
“Oh cut the crap Jack,” he thought to himself. He threw his cap into the corner and pulled Diane Blackstock out from the cupboard in which she was hiding, “come on Diane. I’m rid of the three blighters for half an hour. Let’s make the most of it.”<br>
Neither of them stopped to think about what Annie Sugden would say about the trail of clothes and underwear that led upstairs as they tore off their belts and unleashed their animal passions onto each other like sheep, but then who would when all they wanted to do was bonk?
“The beast of Beckindale.” Robert scoffed as they reached the park., “does he think we’re thick?”<br>
“What’s the Beast of Beckindale?” Victoria asked innocently.
“Oh it’s something that Seth Armstrong dreamt up years ago when he whet on a trip down Cocaine Lane,” Robert muttered, “it doesn’t really exist.”<br>
“Oh,” Victoria said, not caring to confess that she still didn’t understand. Andy stood with his hands in his pockets and keenly studied a suspicious figure with a long, tail-like feature that crept into the park via the back gate. It was shrouded in a dirty blue cloak and kept it’s head hidden beneath a hood. At first Andy thought that he was seeing things but as it scampered closer, he realised that this strange person really did exist.
“What do you want to go on first, Victoria?” Robert asked, “the slide or the swings?”<br>
“The slide,” Victoria said confidently, pointing to a rusty, peeling contraption at the far end of the park, “I like it when I go down the slide. It makes my tummy tickle and I always shout ‘wheee’ when I slide down because it’s fun.”<br>
Andy trudged across the park with the little girl in his arms, staring in bewilderment at the shrouded male figure who approached them. He had a long white beard and impish eyes that peered at them from the shadows of his heavy, bushy eyebrows.
“Hello children,” he said to them merrily. Robert and Andy exchanged glances, “are you going down this slide?”<br>
“I am,” Victoria said.
“Did you know that this is a magic slide?” the figure asked. He pointed to it’s rusty iron work with a long wooden walking stick, “this is a wishing slide.”<br>
“A wishing slide my arse!” Robert scoffed. He poo-poohed the idea and was about to dismiss the old man as a wino when the figure piped up;
“Hush Robert Sugden!”<br>
“How do you know my name?” Robert demanded. “I’ve never met you before in my life!”<br>
“Ah,” the man said, “that’s because I’m magic, see?”<br>
Robert and Andy gave the bloke the benefit of the doubt and agreed to let him explain why the rusting, graffiti covered, slide, so covered in bird shit was magical while they thought of a possible escape route.
“This slide is a wishing slide,” the man said again. He belted the rusting leg with his stick, “if I tap the bottom of this slide with my stick then it makes magic. Now whoever slides down it must shout a wish and by the time they reach the bottom their wish will come true.. Go-on – wish for something.”<br>
“Eh?” Andy quizzed. Robert refused to believe the old man, but to calm Victoria’s pleas he agreed to slide down the rickety slide and call out a wish. He took hold of the metal bars and began to climb the rungs. He felt a bit ridiculous to be climbing a slide at sixteen years of age. He quicky glanced about to make sure that none of his school friends were watching before he sat on the slide and set himself in motion.
“I wish for stacks of money!” Robert shouted as he slid down the slide. To the amazement of all three children, Robert’s landing was cushioned by two enormous stacks of five-pound notes that seemed to appear from nowhere. Their eyes opened wide like gaping caverns as the wind began to lick at the money and send the top layers of the notes into the breeze.
“Oh!” Victoria cooed, “how did that happen?”<br>
“I dunno,” Robert gushed as he stuffed the money into his jacket and down his trouser legs as quickly as he could. “but I aint complaining. Quick Andy – you wish for something.”<br>
“What shall I wish for?” he asked as he clambered up the ladder to the top of the slide.
“I don’t know. Anything you want!” Robert hissed. Andy wished that he could wish for the guilt that he felt for Sarah Sugden’s death to be lifted from his heart, but it wasn’t a practical thing to shout out in public. Instead he thought of the next best wish and pushed himself down the slide.
“I wish for lots of Playstation games!” he yelled. Sure enough as he reached the bottom of the slide his fall was met by two piles of Playstation games to fit his machine at home. Robert could barely believe his eyes. Both he and Andy hastened to bundle as many games as they could into their pockets.
“Now it’s Victoria’s turn,” The old man said.
His pockets bursting with Playstation games, Andy helped Victoria up to the top of the slide and made sure she was safe enough to slide down it.
“Now Victoria,” he said, “make a wish for something that you really, really want.”<br>
“Ok Andy,” Victoria smiled innocently, like an angel from heaven, but as she did so Andy’s words went in one ear and out the other. She forgot to wish and sailed down the slide shrieking a very childish; “wheee!!”<br>
Robert and Andy weren’t the only people to stare in horror at the result of Victoria’s wish. They watched the old man laugh until his stomach hurt and skip off into the distance singing a little song that sailed back to the children on the wings of the wind.
“He he he
Ha ha ha
I’m the Beast of Beckindale
A wee little imp with a beard and a tail
Ha ha ha
He he he
I made that silly girl land in wee!”<br>
An Victoria finally did learn to walk that day as both Andy and Robert refused to carry her home when she dripped from head to foot in wee. Wasn’t Jack surprised to see his daughter take her first steps aged seven and a half?
By Lorraine Clarkson. a.k.a. GEB
Note: this was written at a time when Christopher Smith had been replaced as Robert Sugden by Karl Davies and it seemed that Victoria Sugden was never going to be allowed to grow up prompting such statements as: "Victoria Sugden will be carried to the pub on her 18th birthday at this rate!”<br>
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The hay in the fields was neatly stacked into golden rolls; the crops were finally harvested and bursting with fresh country goodness and, for the first time in many years, Emmerdale Farm was a pleasant place to be.
Jack Sugden stood on the doorstep over-looking his land, smiling triumphantly at the farm’s success. He watched the wild flowers bob up and down merrily in the warm September breeze which carried with it the fresh, uplifting scent of newly cut grass. In the top fields, several hundred balls of cotton wool sheep skipped happily about beneath the shining sun. In the lower fields roamed a few slow, laid back cows chomping easily on the fresh green grass. It was very much a scene from the pages of a timeless storybook.
His fairy-tale peace was disturbed when the shriek of a little girl echoed through the air. Jack’s very own princess Victoria was carried through the house in muddy boots and dirty sweater in the arms of her big brother. Andy Sugden looked tired after years of carrying the seven year old child around in his arms, but it seemed that the strawberry blonde child had not yet learned to walk so for that he was left little choice but to carry her everywhere she went. Diane Blackstock said her lack of walking ability and her limited conversational vocabulary stemmed from the fact she was blonde. Patting her own blonde barnet, Diane knew from her own experiences what it was like to grow up as a (wannabe) blonde and urged the boys to be patient with their sister.
“Daddy, Daddy,” Victoria called in her surprisingly strong Leeds accent despite supposedly spending her entire life on Emmerdale Farm, “Robert and Andy are going to take me to the park in the village”.
“Are they Victoria?” Jack’s voice sounded too surprised and enthusiastic to be true but Victoria had not yet learned to defined the difference between baby talk and adult conversation, “That’s nice of them isn’t it?”<br>
“And we’re going to have a lovely time aren’t we?” Robert asked, running his hand over the red locks that replaced his blonde hair and the itching face that had altered somewhat into the profile of a totally different person, seemingly overnight. He put his new nose, mouth and Southern accent down to something in the Spanish water and was pleased that neither Jack or Andy noticed that his features had changed in every possible way.
“Well goodbye then.” Jack said as they made their way out of the door onto the forecourt . “be back in time for tea. Be good Victoria.”<br>
“ I will.” Droned Victoria, waving to her father as Andy piggy-backed her like a baby, into the lane.
“And watch out for the Beast of Beckindale!” Jack called. He watched proudly as he watched the silhouettes of his children disappear into the orange sunset. How rewarding it was to be a father…<br>
“Oh cut the crap Jack,” he thought to himself. He threw his cap into the corner and pulled Diane Blackstock out from the cupboard in which she was hiding, “come on Diane. I’m rid of the three blighters for half an hour. Let’s make the most of it.”<br>
Neither of them stopped to think about what Annie Sugden would say about the trail of clothes and underwear that led upstairs as they tore off their belts and unleashed their animal passions onto each other like sheep, but then who would when all they wanted to do was bonk?
“The beast of Beckindale.” Robert scoffed as they reached the park., “does he think we’re thick?”<br>
“What’s the Beast of Beckindale?” Victoria asked innocently.
“Oh it’s something that Seth Armstrong dreamt up years ago when he whet on a trip down Cocaine Lane,” Robert muttered, “it doesn’t really exist.”<br>
“Oh,” Victoria said, not caring to confess that she still didn’t understand. Andy stood with his hands in his pockets and keenly studied a suspicious figure with a long, tail-like feature that crept into the park via the back gate. It was shrouded in a dirty blue cloak and kept it’s head hidden beneath a hood. At first Andy thought that he was seeing things but as it scampered closer, he realised that this strange person really did exist.
“What do you want to go on first, Victoria?” Robert asked, “the slide or the swings?”<br>
“The slide,” Victoria said confidently, pointing to a rusty, peeling contraption at the far end of the park, “I like it when I go down the slide. It makes my tummy tickle and I always shout ‘wheee’ when I slide down because it’s fun.”<br>
Andy trudged across the park with the little girl in his arms, staring in bewilderment at the shrouded male figure who approached them. He had a long white beard and impish eyes that peered at them from the shadows of his heavy, bushy eyebrows.
“Hello children,” he said to them merrily. Robert and Andy exchanged glances, “are you going down this slide?”<br>
“I am,” Victoria said.
“Did you know that this is a magic slide?” the figure asked. He pointed to it’s rusty iron work with a long wooden walking stick, “this is a wishing slide.”<br>
“A wishing slide my arse!” Robert scoffed. He poo-poohed the idea and was about to dismiss the old man as a wino when the figure piped up;
“Hush Robert Sugden!”<br>
“How do you know my name?” Robert demanded. “I’ve never met you before in my life!”<br>
“Ah,” the man said, “that’s because I’m magic, see?”<br>
Robert and Andy gave the bloke the benefit of the doubt and agreed to let him explain why the rusting, graffiti covered, slide, so covered in bird shit was magical while they thought of a possible escape route.
“This slide is a wishing slide,” the man said again. He belted the rusting leg with his stick, “if I tap the bottom of this slide with my stick then it makes magic. Now whoever slides down it must shout a wish and by the time they reach the bottom their wish will come true.. Go-on – wish for something.”<br>
“Eh?” Andy quizzed. Robert refused to believe the old man, but to calm Victoria’s pleas he agreed to slide down the rickety slide and call out a wish. He took hold of the metal bars and began to climb the rungs. He felt a bit ridiculous to be climbing a slide at sixteen years of age. He quicky glanced about to make sure that none of his school friends were watching before he sat on the slide and set himself in motion.
“I wish for stacks of money!” Robert shouted as he slid down the slide. To the amazement of all three children, Robert’s landing was cushioned by two enormous stacks of five-pound notes that seemed to appear from nowhere. Their eyes opened wide like gaping caverns as the wind began to lick at the money and send the top layers of the notes into the breeze.
“Oh!” Victoria cooed, “how did that happen?”<br>
“I dunno,” Robert gushed as he stuffed the money into his jacket and down his trouser legs as quickly as he could. “but I aint complaining. Quick Andy – you wish for something.”<br>
“What shall I wish for?” he asked as he clambered up the ladder to the top of the slide.
“I don’t know. Anything you want!” Robert hissed. Andy wished that he could wish for the guilt that he felt for Sarah Sugden’s death to be lifted from his heart, but it wasn’t a practical thing to shout out in public. Instead he thought of the next best wish and pushed himself down the slide.
“I wish for lots of Playstation games!” he yelled. Sure enough as he reached the bottom of the slide his fall was met by two piles of Playstation games to fit his machine at home. Robert could barely believe his eyes. Both he and Andy hastened to bundle as many games as they could into their pockets.
“Now it’s Victoria’s turn,” The old man said.
His pockets bursting with Playstation games, Andy helped Victoria up to the top of the slide and made sure she was safe enough to slide down it.
“Now Victoria,” he said, “make a wish for something that you really, really want.”<br>
“Ok Andy,” Victoria smiled innocently, like an angel from heaven, but as she did so Andy’s words went in one ear and out the other. She forgot to wish and sailed down the slide shrieking a very childish; “wheee!!”<br>
Robert and Andy weren’t the only people to stare in horror at the result of Victoria’s wish. They watched the old man laugh until his stomach hurt and skip off into the distance singing a little song that sailed back to the children on the wings of the wind.
“He he he
Ha ha ha
I’m the Beast of Beckindale
A wee little imp with a beard and a tail
Ha ha ha
He he he
I made that silly girl land in wee!”<br>
An Victoria finally did learn to walk that day as both Andy and Robert refused to carry her home when she dripped from head to foot in wee. Wasn’t Jack surprised to see his daughter take her first steps aged seven and a half?